Owltastic I want to excel at everything, instantly. When I don’t, I usually give up. I’m trying to learn to play guitar and cook a meal, and both are going very slow. I wrote this post last night, in a fit of frustration at my ineptitude.
“I’m a quitter,” by the fabulous Natalie Dee.
I just started cooking and playing guitar a few months ago, and I’ve already quit a couple times. Days will go by where I scorn our pretty off-white Stratocaster, and barely step into the kitchen. But my desire to learn still nags at me, so grudgingly I light up the gas stove, or pick up the guitar again.
Why do I keep quitting?
It sends me into a foul, black mood every time I spend hours chopping vegetables only to produce a sub-par meal. Learning guitar is even more infuriating. I can read the music, I understand the strumming patterns, but my soft fingers refuse to go where I tell them. Every time I practice, I want to smash the damn thing to bits. My finger exercises are punctuated by me angrily slapping the strings, because I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. I feel so stupid I could cry.
Inevitably time spent learning a new skill ends with me stomping around the house in a fit. “Stick with it,” Jason says. “Why would I want to stick with something that makes me this miserable? I’m not having ANY FUN.” He just stays quiet, leaving it to me to puzzle it out. Why keep trying to cook, and trying to play guitar, when it only produces shit? When it frustrates me to no end?
I desperately want to give up, like I’ve given up on so many hobbies in the past (swimming, jogging, photography, sewing, and knitting to name a few). After all, I’ve made it this far without cooking and guitar. Time spent preparing a sub-par meal, or practicing the same three chords, feels like time wasted; I could’ve browsed the internet or watched TV all night, like I usually do. A life lived in front of a screen is still technically a life, right?
So why should I stick with it?
I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I rarely feel real discomfort, and the fumbling agony of ineptitude. I’ve gotten pretty good at web design (though still not good enough). I’m quite skilled at a variety of iPhone games, and I can competently order takeout and pay my bills on time. Seemingly, I’ve got all the skills one needs to function and be a reasonably content adult.
But it’s not enough to get by with the knowledge I have. I want to be challenged, and feel the thrill of mastering a new skill. I know that struggle can eventually be enjoyable, even if now it makes me miserable. I know how much pain comes before proficiency. Right now my ineptitude hurts much worse than the raw soreness on my fingertips or the knife cuts and burns on my hands. But eventually, by the time the callouses form, I’ll be better at chord changes, and I’ll play a real song.
Who’s to say it will ever get better?
I often think, I’m not “cut out” to be a person who cooks or plays music. That I’m missing that natural inclination that others seem to have. I find myself wishing I could just BE GOOD at guitar, the way I was always good at web design. As if I have some innate ability that makes me a natural born designer, but I’m missing the cook / guitarist gene.
The truth is, that is a bullshit excuse. Talent and natural gifts do exist, and probably help to nudge us in the right direction. But even with an inclination towards design, I wasn’t good at it for a very, very long time.
It seems a miracle to me that I ever stuck with web design long enough to make a career from it; especially since I’m self taught. I toiled away in Flash MX for months, hiding my PowerBook behind the front desk of the hotel where I worked. And I wept from frustration when things didn’t work. I wanted to burn my HTML books to ashes when I couldn’t get an element to float right. To this day I look at early design mockups and bang my head against my desk, because I am too slow and stupid and conventional and lazy to make a decent looking website.
I’ve never “just been good” at design. It is an endless, miserable struggle to close the gap between where I am and where I want to be. But I’ve felt the glow of success, and occasionally I make something I’m proud of, so it’s finally become fun. In fact, being a designer isn’t just fun, it’s one of the best things about my life. I’m excited to build websites almost every day. It’s allowed me to have incredible experiences, and think about life through a different lens than I would have otherwise.
It’s all about attitude
My parents frequently remind me that it all comes down to attitude. I’m not a naturally optimistic person. My instinct, or maybe my learned habit, is to say “I’ll never be able to do this,” or “there’s no way this could ever be fun.” My tendency towards self-defeat is the biggest hurdle I have to overcome. But as web design has taught me, it’s so worth it.
I definitely won’t ever be Joan Jett or Julia Child, but some day I’ll be able to play silly punk songs with my boyfriend, and eventually I’ll throw a modest dinner party for my best friends. And I bet my life will be better for it.
Related reading
This paraphrased quote from Ira Glass, which you’ve hopefully already seen, lays out a guiding principle for anyone doing creative work:
“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. … And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. … You’ve just gotta fight your way through.
It’s worth it to hear these words unedited from Ira, so be sure to watch the interview.
28 Comments
Meagan,
Your an outstanding talent.
Nothing is achieved overnight, just need to dedicate the time to practice and improve.
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4106/5188936942_fc995d4df3.jpg
Pretty much sums it up
1. I loved this interview with Ira the first time I sat through it. Thanks for reminding me it exists.
2. In response to your efforts to excel in web design, a very wise fellow-creative told me this week, “Art sometimes becomes harder once you’ve tasted success.” So. I think you’re way ahead of your game concerning this. I look back at my first writings (oh lord) and it’s laughable at best, vomit-inducing at worst.
3. You rule. Sticking to new things can be hard; you are not the only person who experiences this. But recognizing the way your personality can hinder you only makes it easier for you to work through those I HATE THIS SO MUCH WHYYYYYY I WANT TO QUIT times.
4. Seriously, though. You rule.
Megan, great post. I can completely relate. I think it’s important to consider what type of learner you are and what your end goals are with hobbies like cooking and guitar. I spent an entire summer in highschool playing guitar for 6 hours a day. I’ve played consistently for 11 years since then and I still can’t play you a pentatonic scale. I’m fine with that because I’m a great singer/songwriter who’s tricked people into thinking I’m actually good and who’s instrument serves the appropriate purpose. I learned a few basic chords and then started learning my favorite songs by ear. It was fun. Scales for me where not. I say this because you sound similar in being a self-taught designer and someone with creativity that needs to get out before learning all your scales, knife skills, or food binding agents. Did you know the rule of thirds and what a hue really was before building that first shitty website? My suggestion – do like Ira says and let your tastes guide you. Find music you like and figure out how to play it. Find chefs you like and cook their recipes until they’re edible. I’ve mentioned this to you on twitter a few times, but Jamie Oliver’s 20 minute meals app has really helped me learn more about cooking. And no I don’t work for him, nor am I in any way affiliated with the app
. But cooking something step by step and copying a great chef helps you learn to multi-task, when to do what, and which ingredients work together. It’s been a lot easier for me than just diving into some complex recipe in a huge book that leaves me to decide when I should take the asparagus off or chop the parsley. Anyway, hang in there and be true to who you are and how you learn. If it’s not enjoyable, you’re not gonna keep doing it.
I can definitely relate to this. One thing I think can help is realizing there are many ways to learn and trying them. When I was in school all art majors had to take three drawing classes. I took Drawing I and seriously reconsidered my major. The first day the teacher laid out a complete still life and told us to draw it. When I asked for direction she kept talking about feeling the lines and form. Huh? I sucked in that class and barely passed. I decided to retake Drawing I over the summer at the local community college and it was a totally different experience. We started by drawing a styrofoam cup. We learned about visual tricks our eyes play on us and how to measure and I produced some awesome drawings (albeit of old shoes) in that class. And the huge difference was finding the right teacher. Maybe trying different cookbooks or videos and such (not sure what the guitar equivalent is) could also help you through the frustration. Good luck!
“The journey of ten thousand miles starts with one step”.
Small steps, Meagan. When you get there, you realise the journey is as worthwhile as the achievement.
Meagan,
I know exactly how you feel. That hurdle is not something that’s going to go away either (but of course you already know that), it may even get harder to overcome. Just keep swimming!
Seriously, thank you for writing this. I’ve been a print designer for four years and the past one year have been fighting like mad through html, css, javascript, etc. to break into web. I have never met anything that I didn’t pick up easily until this. It’s nice to hear it from someone else that all of this pain will be worth it one day as long as I keep fighting.
I have quit a great deal of things and have only recently begun to STICK to those i REALLY want. I found that for me, the secret lies in accepting the fact that it is OK to suck. You do not want to play guitar because you want a career change… You do it because you love the sound of it. So you can not play a full song without sucking ass and you are frustrated. Just relax close your eyes, lie down and pluck the strings one at a time and enjoy the sound of it letting it remind you why you love it. In no time you will be back on your feet practicing again. As for food…when in doubt, add more Sriracha.
I want to put that Ira Glass quote on an entire wall of my house in ten trillion point text.
In other news, keep at the guitar. It’s my favorite “learning” analogy. For whatever reason, people have pretty realistic expectations about learning the guitar. Yes, they get frustrated as heck, but the expect that. People know it takes a lot of years to become a “good” guitar player. I wish that people would extend that expectation to *everything in the universe*. Web design takes a lot of years to get good at. Whittling wood takes a lot of years to get good at. Being a good group communicator takes a lot of years to get good at.
So let’s all “just keep going”
I’m trying to learn guitar right now too and AGH! I have no idea how my guitar is still in one piece. So frustrating. I feel like my hands are tiny and fingertips too soft for this. I’ve played Greensleeves 800 million times and I still can’t get through it without messing up.
I feel your pain.
Keep at it and so will I and one day we will both rock at it. Good luck!
Just keep at it mate, take it from a person who spent 2 years playing one chord (E maj) and singing the same repertoire just as long coz it was hard… but once I had the callouses and someone showed me it wasn’t that hard to learn the rest I managed to teach myself more, and that burning desire to smash the guitar to bits (rock-star style) eventually goes away.
Also someone I work with mentioned to stop practising as soon you make the same mistake over and over, give it a break till the next day.
G’luck!!! :>
Oops, didn’t quite finish…
Put it away till the next day so the brain can grasp what went wrong, and rewire to adapt to it… or so he said… I’m trying this technique with juggling (and I’m a clutz).
Cheers.
Hey Meagan,
I know it probably shouldn’t have but this post really made me laugh! Partly because you are funny and it comes across in your writing, and partly because I am going through the EXACT same situation! I’m a web designer, learning to play the guitar and am always wanting to improve my cooking skills!
You seem to be a much better designer than me so there isn’t much I can say there but I definitely know the feeling of not being able to design a site that you feel you could confidently start promoting and believing that it is on par with some of the best in the biz, after 4 years I’m still trying to design my own portfolio site.
BUT, with regards to your guitar endeavours I believe I may be able to help there. Despite really wanting to learn how to play guitar, I’ve been putting it off for years, always getting down any time I tried to strum something on a friends guitar. Then I accidentally came across a guy on YouTube who makes learning guitar fun and relaxed and really takes you through step-by-step from the ground up. I’ve been learning for a few months now and I can already play a few songs, a load of chords and I can even play Blackbird by the Beatles. He’s given me a tonne of confidence! In the mean time I’ve been learning basic finger picking patterns and scales to help with finger co-ordination and strength.
Good Luck!
I literally can’t put the thing down now! I’m annoying everyone in the house! haha. Where I would normally get frustrated and give up he constantly reminds you that it will take time, and keeps you motivated. Aaaanyways, before I turn this into an essay, I’ll just say check out his website, I would recommend joining the mail list as he sends 8 or 9 absolute beginner videos to get you started, and also his YouTube videos, I did and I’m well on my way now
http://www.youtube.com/user/martyzsongs
http://www.youtube.com/user/guitarjamzdotcom
http://www.guitarjamz.com
p.s. I’m in England and am anxiously awaiting your t-shirt!
Adam
Stopped by your site today and just have to say I can definitely relate to this. I read an article once that our generation has grown up with movies and songs and other pop culture messages that show really average people becoming super amazing at a skill in a matter of days or weeks (examples: Rocky, Karate Kid, on and on) and therefore we’ve grown up with a sense that if we aren’t perfect at something immediately it isn’t worth our time. I know this is me – I tried learning guitar and I wanted to scream at my husband who was very patiently teaching me. If I’m not excellent at something within a couple times of trying it, I give up, and it takes a LOT of energy to get me to stick with it. I think self-awareness is definitely the first step along with not being so critical or hard on yourself. <3 wish you the best and thanks for this post.
You and I need to have fun being bad at things together. I will be trying to learn the piano. That is some LOUD failure.
Ugh! I do the exact same thing…and as much as I would love to actually be able to finish something, I am beginning to fear that it isn’t ever going to be possible. However, I wish you the best of luck!
Thank you. Very encouraging. I share the same self-doubt hurdles.
This post is very relevant to the current stage I am at in my life. Thank you for sharing. I will for sure “Just keep going!” I will pass on my grams motivational comment she recently shared with me: “Mija, don’t just exist. Live! ”
Much love,
Marissa
Love how you puts them when frustration gets in the way. I have the same approach too, milder. Guess, it thats time and maturity to able for you to get there. Don’t force creative and it shall be tasteless. Wonder why mum’s cooking still the best? Because she’s not just cooks for the sake of cooking but with love. As things getting faster and quicker with mass produce stuff. Ever wonder, do they have soul? Whats the different between a person playing on a piano, as compare with a programmed one (The one that the piano play by itself). Is a soul.
Let yourself opens and naked to creativity.
nice article! I shared it on my FB wall!!
I was just browsing through sites and this title at the top of the page caught my attention. That is exactly how i am too! If I can’t do it perfectly, I quit. I’m also self-taught in web design although I did a degree in graphic design and I’m still trying to create work that lives up to my standards…which is why I am building a business where I hire awesome designers and developers and focus on my skills as an entrepreneur and marketer. I’d rather play to my strengths than fight a long and hard battle
Thank you for this post, I totally relate to it.
meagan, this post is so spot-on, and such a universal experience. i read it at the perfect time – while reeling from frustration. thanks a ton for sharing!
Great post Meagan thanks for posting!
I think it beautifully sums up the sentiments and experiences of so many designer in their beginnings. Certainly does mine! Did make me laugh too as I have felt your pain. It definitely is worth it though when you see light at the end of the tunnel so to speak, and start to see glimmers of ‘brilliance’ in your own work. In the end that’s the most rewarding thing and what we all have to work towards, and we definitely don’t have to have a natural talent for something to be successful in it. You just need to want it enough, want something enough, work hard and it and you can have whatever it is you want from life most of the time
This article is well written. Learning something new is both exciting and overwhelming. Self learning is even tougher. You bring up some really good points. The way I see it is we are not born to walk and talk. We learn. Every day my 3 year old daughter draws. It started with scribbles then more and more I can see her drawing improving. Practice, practice and more practice. My best friend is example of someone that self learnt the guitar. Spent hours playing one chord and doing warm up exercises. He never quits and once he decides he is learning something he sticks to it and puts in the time. I take inspiration from him. I am learning web design and the one thing that has help me the most is limiting my creativity and practice.Any thoughts of self-defeat are crushed. Am like you.I’m not a naturally optimistic person. But am working hard to change this way of thinking. Loved this article. Well done and good luck.
Hi Meagan,
I recognize myself in this in so many ways. I’ve been trying to get better at playing foosball for about a year now, and many people tell me that I’m very talented, but many times, it has just been frustrating and I told myself “you’ll never learn this, just stop trying”. But then again, the moments come where you reach a new plateau and then you know it’s worth it.
In web design, I look at my work from a few years ago thinking “OMG… what did I think?!”
Still, I’m not nearly as good as I want to be. It’s good to know that even you, whose designs I admire truly, has a similar story.
Wish you Happy Holidays!
Wow, this so closely resonates with my current situation and feelings towards building better habits and life skills it kinda made me a bit emotional. I am so happy to have stumbled upon this blog post when I did. Thank you for writing this and never stop learning. Good stuff.
Cheers,
I think we were separated at birth !
Sending your post to my daughter who just graduated from cc in graphic design. Kiddo – you are wise beyond your years no doubt you will succeed at what you try to do – looks like you already have : D
Just keep going! Great post. You can add me to the list of people here who started the guitar because I absolutely loved it, but then eventually quit
. For me the process started with a thrill a day because every new thing just seemed awesome. But over time my skill seemed to suffer from diminishing returns from practice. That’s my excuse anyway.
As you describe, one response to frustration is to adopt a defeatist attitude. “I just don’t have the talent”. Let me tell you that half the population in this country has that attitude regarding math. I know this because if I tell someone that I am a math professor, then the odds are 50-50 they’ll say “Oh, I am terrible at math”.
I have made similar excuses (long distance running for example). Last spring I was at an Iron Man competition. That’s a triathlon where you swim two miles, bike 112 miles, and then run a marathon. One guy (most of the way through the marathon) didn’t look good and pulled up short near where I was standing. He was quitting after all that (and only another 10 miles to run!). I would have quit for sure. But after a couple minutes he got back up and finished it. The person I actually came to watch was picked up off the ground just after the finish line and helped into a wheelchair. They could have taken her picture and put iit on one of those PSA billboards with the message “Guts, pass it on”.
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